Some recent (and totally true) conversations

Me: Hey, do you mind if I put some music on.  It’s not the most upbeat morning music, but I’m not in the most upbeat mood.

Guy next to me: Yeah sure thing.  Go for it.

Me: Thanks, I was going to anyway.  I merely asked on the off chance that you wouldn’t mind.  If you did mind I wouldn’t have cared.  I’m not selfish, I just have a better taste in music than most people.  Especially you.

Guy next to me: [silence]

Me: It’s because I’ve spent so much time listening to music, I really know how to select the best song for the moment, you know?

Guy next to me: [silence]

Me: It’s like I’m just more intelligent than most other people, musically speaking..

Me: Why are you in my house anyway?  And what’s with the balaclava?

Guy next to me: [steals some more of my stuff]

Me: Hey, you know I used to be in a band? Where are you going?

…………….

Anyway, that was a recent conversation I had with some guy.  Heres another:

…………….

Me: Hey dude, how’s the job hunting going?

Good friend: Not that great.  I’ve got a first in Maths from a leading university, yet it seems companies aren’t looking for pure maths geeks..

Me: That must be tough, how does that make you feel?

Good friend: I feel like I’m losing confidence in myself.  I feel a little rough around the edges.

Me: Rough in the middle too…

Good friend: Well that’s a bit harsh.

Me: True though

Good Friend: Anyway.  It’s like, just because I’m a little unconfident and not really outgoing, tha..

Me: And fat.  Don’t forget fat.

Good friend Guy I know: Well, there’s no need for that.

Me: Oh! oh! I have another one! You’re badly dressed.  And there’s that weird thing you do with your eyes when you talk to people.

Good friend Guy I know: Hey that’s a medical condition!

Me: There it is again! Weird.  Get out of my house.

Good friend Guy in my house I used to know: [cries]

Me: [Silence]

Me: [Guilty fidgeting]

Good friend Guy in my house I used to know who is crying like a girl: [whimpers]

Me: …..

Me: And you cry a lot, like a girl.

More on Jelly beans

I’ve stumbled on a conspiracy theory.  Jelly beans have a promotion thing going that gives recipes for different flavour combinations.  Want a Pina Colada?  Don’t go to the bar with your mates, just chew two pineapple and two Coconut Jelly beans!  Anyway, I started thinking about chemicals, and what happens to certain chemicals when mixed.  Mix the wrong chemicals together and you can lose your eyebrows, or even hands if you’re stupid enough to try throwing that bucket of Glycerine you have lying around into that tub of liquid nitrogen you have in your kitchen…

So, similar to the Russian roulette thing that you can play with Jelly beans (5 nice ones, 1 Cinnamon, hours of fun.) why not put a chemical into Chocolate beans that, when mixed with a chemical found in green Apple, blows the back of your head off.  Now that’s what I call fun!!!

Moronic wordpress and other programs that suck

You’d think that the spellcheck on wordpress, one of the most popular blogging tools available, would know that the word “blog” is not a misspelling of bog.  But no, that would be too difficult, right?

Also, whenever I close Firefox, it apologises for closing.  What a pussy.  I expect my software to stand up for their beliefs and argue that although they messed up, it was indeed my fault.  Oh wait, that’s what windows does.

Wrath of the Lich King. Inside secrets..

I’ve been lucky to have had an inside scoop from Blizzard, the makers of World of Warcraft.  The guys I know who work for the company have, after much pleading, finally agreed to my demands and promised to NOT send me anymore information, screenshots, demos or any other crap related to WOW.  Honestly, I’m so sick of hearing BOTH of my housemates talking about WOW endlessly.  No, I don’t care if you just levelled up your 2nd character.  And yes, I called it character and not CHAR!  she actually says things like “I just spent £30 to level my latest char”.  WTF?  They literally talk to real people in the real world in Warcraft speak.  SAY CHARACTER YOU F**KING MORON!!

Whilst one of the housemates only plays it occasionally, and only then when something interesting is happening (interesting is a word used far too much these days, in my opinion), the other, who we’ll call Orc girl (because she is female, apparently, and looks like an Orc, definitely), has just informed me that she has booked her entire years holiday off in one block to coincide with the launch of the latest expansion, Wrath of the Lich king.  That’s three solid weeks of playing that she has lined up.

So we live in the beautiful countryside of South Oxford, near the stunning Chiltern hills.  There are so many activities that they could do around here, but instead they decide to waste their lives on the crock of shit known as World of Warcraft.  Yes I’ve played WOW before, up until level 50, but only ever in my spare time when there was nothing else to do, and then I stopped.  It’s boring, repetitive, unimaginative, unrewarding and a complete waste of your life.  The new expansion will be no different.

Just to put this all into context.  Orc girl has played the game for over three years.  No, not three years since she started, but 3 years, over 1000 days or 26,200 hours in front of her screen.  But then again, she is fat and boring so I’m not surprised she doesn’t get asked out that much…

Below: Couldn’t have said it better myself

Jellybeans, physics and brown paint

I’m just eating jelly beans at my desk, looking out of the window and wondering what crazy adventures I’m going to get up to today.  Maybe I’ll make some coffee in a bit, who knows, I might just go crazy and have some fun mocking my housemates for no apparent reason.  We’ll see.

I’ve been thinking.  You know how if you mix every spectrum of light you get white?  Why does this never work in real life?  For example, according to my art teacher a few years back, if you mix all colours you’ll get white paint.  In real life however, all you really get is a big mush of brown crap.  So, either the rules of physics are wrong and the real spectrum is based on shitty brown puke, or my Art teacher was a lying jerk.

Ok back to Jelly beans.  If I eat every flavor of jelly bean (yes including cinnamon.  I have no idea why they make them either), will they just cancel each other out and taste like nothing at all and be see-through?  I’m guessing that, like paint (and light), they’ll taste like crap and look the same (yes, all colours of paint mixed together do indeed taste like crap, which proves my point).  I might just try it anyway though.

I’m anti-Semantic. Deal with it..

I get bored by the endless study of meaning.  I see it in endless blog posts, over an over, people writing about why things happen and the reasons for their existance.  Why won’t they shut up and find something real to write about?  I’m sick of these people and got pushed over the edge recently, so I told my friend I’m anti-semantic and now he hates me. Ariel should be more accepting.. Oy!

The great thing about the internet is that people will read this sort of post and misunderstand the meaning, miss the joke or just generally make a glaring error, and end up shouting at someone else.  I’m waiting for the first email calling me a racist and I’m looking forward to happily pointing out that I said anti-SEMANTIC.  Work it out for yourself.

Yes I do really have a friend called Ariel.  He is awesome.  I like his beard.

My lucky doggy just had his temperature taken…

I’ve just got back from spending a small fortune at the vets, or what is now going to be called the doggy brothel.  Poor little guy has been suffering over the last few days with a high temperature and a tendancy to re-eat the same meal multiple times (not a nice habit when you think about it).  So being a good owner, I stopped mocking him long enough to drive him to the vets.

However, rather than whimpering as some old dude vet jabs him with needles, he ended up having a pretty good time.  Ok, when I say pretty good time, I mean he virtually got laid by a smoking hot babe.  Now, I don’t think dogs are attracted to humans (although a few websites would beg to differ), so it’s probably not the fact that our vet is a SMOKING hot babe that got him going.  Whatever the reason, the little doggie decided that during his exam he would get a raging erection and start panting all over the said hot vet.  He couldn’t believe his luck when she decided to take his temperature, and I swear his eyes were asking for a wrap around when she was doing her stuff..  Still for £50 you’d kind of expect it..

The crux of the story is that I paid £50 for my dog to get a good seeing to, and he loved it.  The vets is now called the doggy brothel, and is the only place you can get a hot brunette to do the dirty for £50 this side of London.  I was thinking of asking the vet for the same treatment, but then realised I’m an adult and would get locked up for those sort of comments.

Here’s a picture of what our vet looks like (ok, similar to what she looks like…)

Things I hate

I hate many things.  No, I’m not a grumpy bastard, but there are many things that just grind my gears, so I’ve decided to use the blog to vent a little.  The first thing I hate is those damn TV shows, blog posts, newspaper articles etc where they try to give a Top 10, Top 100, (Top whatever) and always end up forcing out a few terrible final examples.  Therefore, rather than trying this tired aspect of “journalism”, I’m just going write as many as I can think of, when I think of them.  Expect more angry posts in the future..

Painfully annoying things #1: Idiots who are SO into the whole god and country idea that, when the National Anthem plays, they feel they have to have their hand on their heart.  Ok, fair enough, it shows that it means something to you, but for the love of God (or Buddha, etc) WHY the hell do you need to put your hand INSIDE YOUR JACKET TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR HEART?!!!!!!  Do you really think that if you are touching your chest during the Anthems, that half a centimeter of cloth and padding is going to stop whatever magic you think is important from happening?  If so, why not take your shirt off and do things properly?  I could bring a scalpel next time and we could actually peel your skin back, prize your ribs open and let you hold your actual beating heart in your greasy superstitous hands.  Idiots.

Here are a few examples.  I’d run a “spot the dick head” competition, but it’s fairly obvious.  They are the guys with the “Man I love my Country so much I jerk over our presidents picture..” look on their faces.

US Presidential Election 2008

Arguing on the web is fun.  No, in fact, arguing on the web is about as much fun as you can have online with other people around.  It’s the most fulfilling thing in the world to sit at your desk, stand up in a crowded room (figuratively speaking, of course), and declare that a fellow forum member is, contrary to popular belief, a complete douche bag. And then not get hit.  It’s great.  The only pass time close to it is getting two huge, muscle bound, and above all loyal friends and heading into London to mouth off at the bouncers.  But that carries risk so I tend to avoid it.

Now, I know what people say, that arguing on the internet is like competing at the Special Olympics.

“Even if you win, you’re still a retard”

This is an opinion NOT shared by me and I for one am disgusted whenever anyone uses this saying.  There’s NOTHING Special about the special Olympics, it’s not even a competition, it’s a way of making the organisers feel like they are providing “life enrichment” to the mentally hanicapped, when in reality they are actaully treating them like Race horses.  Hmm, maybe there should be a South Park episode about this..

Wow, that’s a tangent.  Ok, back to arguing on the internet.  I was on a forum recently discussing who I’d like to win the election, based on what I’ve seen in the media.  It was a fair discussion, without any name calling or angry faces.  However, after a few posts, an angry American guy (probably 13) jumped into the conversation telling everyone NOT from the US of A to STFU and stop talking about who should win the election, as it is nothing to do with us.  and then said we should vote McCain (so from Texas then as well, poor kid).  Ok, fair enough, at the outset he may be right.  We (anyone not living in the states) shouldn’t have a say or indeed a vote in the election as we don’t live in the US (I’m in England).  But then I had a think, and decided to stand up for my right to have a say in who should be the next US president.

Ok, here we go.  Hate mail is expected, but I don’t really care.  If you post me hate mail I’ll be happy to publish it for all to see.

The US president, whilst voted for by only US citizens (well, by about 5% of US citizens) has an  effect on the entire world.  Let’s look at George Bush (the dumber George Bush), he decided to invade Iraq and managed to get a host of other countries to join in.  Sure, for Great Britain it was Tony Blair’s final say on whether we joined up, but George Bush was the ring leader and happily lead us into a war that I feel is unresolvable and has had a high cost in regards to the lives of our soldiers.  A friend of mine was killed recently in Afghanistan, and whilst it wasn’t directly Bush’s fault, if it WASN’T for Bush he would not have had to fight and would still be alive.  If McCain becomes president, who’s to say he won’t lead us on another merry jaunt, possibly to Iran next time?  Now, tell me again that I can’t discuss the presedential election..

Liquid lunch

I’ve begun to experience one of the key social gatherings of a life in work.  The liquid lunch.  I just popped out from work (I work at home) to me some old Uni friends in a suitably neutral bar for a round of lunchtime drinks.  I’ve always hated people who do these things, it just seems like such a submission to the hours of work forced upon us by our “richer and better managers”.  Why can’t we leave work when we want, to have a quiet drink with our friends, and not have to run back in 45 minutes to get back to our desks?  For christ sake, how many times have you been for a drink at lunch, rushed back to your desks and then just sat there staring into the middle distance?  Me?  Hundreds of times.  So why do we still INSIST on getting back on time when we all know we won’t do any work anyway?