Some recent (and totally true) conversations

14 11 2008

Me: Hey, do you mind if I put some music on.  It’s not the most upbeat morning music, but I’m not in the most upbeat mood.

Guy next to me: Yeah sure thing.  Go for it.

Me: Thanks, I was going to anyway.  I merely asked on the off chance that you wouldn’t mind.  If you did mind I wouldn’t have cared.  I’m not selfish, I just have a better taste in music than most people.  Especially you.

Guy next to me: [silence]

Me: It’s because I’ve spent so much time listening to music, I really know how to select the best song for the moment, you know?

Guy next to me: [silence]

Me: It’s like I’m just more intelligent than most other people, musically speaking..

Me: Why are you in my house anyway?  And what’s with the balaclava?

Guy next to me: [steals some more of my stuff]

Me: Hey, you know I used to be in a band? Where are you going?


Anyway, that was a recent conversation I had with some guy.  Heres another:


Me: Hey dude, how’s the job hunting going?

Good friend: Not that great.  I’ve got a first in Maths from a leading university, yet it seems companies aren’t looking for pure maths geeks..

Me: That must be tough, how does that make you feel?

Good friend: I feel like I’m losing confidence in myself.  I feel a little rough around the edges.

Me: Rough in the middle too…

Good friend: Well that’s a bit harsh.

Me: True though

Good Friend: Anyway.  It’s like, just because I’m a little unconfident and not really outgoing, tha..

Me: And fat.  Don’t forget fat.

Good friend Guy I know: Well, there’s no need for that.

Me: Oh! oh! I have another one! You’re badly dressed.  And there’s that weird thing you do with your eyes when you talk to people.

Good friend Guy I know: Hey that’s a medical condition!

Me: There it is again! Weird.  Get out of my house.

Good friend Guy in my house I used to know: [cries]

Me: [Silence]

Me: [Guilty fidgeting]

Good friend Guy in my house I used to know who is crying like a girl: [whimpers]

Me: …..

Me: And you cry a lot, like a girl.


More on Jelly beans

12 11 2008

I’ve stumbled on a conspiracy theory.  Jelly beans have a promotion thing going that gives recipes for different flavour combinations.  Want a Pina Colada?  Don’t go to the bar with your mates, just chew two pineapple and two Coconut Jelly beans!  Anyway, I started thinking about chemicals, and what happens to certain chemicals when mixed.  Mix the wrong chemicals together and you can lose your eyebrows, or even hands if you’re stupid enough to try throwing that bucket of Glycerine you have lying around into that tub of liquid nitrogen you have in your kitchen…


So, similar to the Russian roulette thing that you can play with Jelly beans (5 nice ones, 1 Cinnamon, hours of fun.) why not put a chemical into Chocolate beans that, when mixed with a chemical found in green Apple, blows the back of your head off.  Now that’s what I call fun!!!

Moronic wordpress and other programs that suck

12 11 2008

You’d think that the spellcheck on wordpress, one of the most popular blogging tools available, would know that the word “blog” is not a misspelling of bog.  But no, that would be too difficult, right?

Also, whenever I close Firefox, it apologises for closing.  What a pussy.  I expect my software to stand up for their beliefs and argue that although they messed up, it was indeed my fault.  Oh wait, that’s what windows does.


Wrath of the Lich King. Inside secrets..

12 11 2008

I’ve been lucky to have had an inside scoop from Blizzard, the makers of World of Warcraft.  The guys I know who work for the company have, after much pleading, finally agreed to my demands and promised to NOT send me anymore information, screenshots, demos or any other crap related to WOW.  Honestly, I’m so sick of hearing BOTH of my housemates talking about WOW endlessly.  No, I don’t care if you just levelled up your 2nd character.  And yes, I called it character and not CHAR!  she actually says things like “I just spent £30 to level my latest char”.  WTF?  They literally talk to real people in the real world in Warcraft speak.  SAY CHARACTER YOU F**KING MORON!!

Whilst one of the housemates only plays it occasionally, and only then when something interesting is happening (interesting is a word used far too much these days, in my opinion), the other, who we’ll call Orc girl (because she is female, apparently, and looks like an Orc, definitely), has just informed me that she has booked her entire years holiday off in one block to coincide with the launch of the latest expansion, Wrath of the Lich king.  That’s three solid weeks of playing that she has lined up.


So we live in the beautiful countryside of South Oxford, near the stunning Chiltern hills.  There are so many activities that they could do around here, but instead they decide to waste their lives on the crock of shit known as World of Warcraft.  Yes I’ve played WOW before, up until level 50, but only ever in my spare time when there was nothing else to do, and then I stopped.  It’s boring, repetitive, unimaginative, unrewarding and a complete waste of your life.  The new expansion will be no different.

Just to put this all into context.  Orc girl has played the game for over three years.  No, not three years since she started, but 3 years, over 1000 days or 26,200 hours in front of her screen.  But then again, she is fat and boring so I’m not surprised she doesn’t get asked out that much…

Below: Couldn’t have said it better myself


Jellybeans, physics and brown paint

12 11 2008

I’m just eating jelly beans at my desk, looking out of the window and wondering what crazy adventures I’m going to get up to today.  Maybe I’ll make some coffee in a bit, who knows, I might just go crazy and have some fun mocking my housemates for no apparent reason.  We’ll see.

I’ve been thinking.  You know how if you mix every spectrum of light you get white?  Why does this never work in real life?  For example, according to my art teacher a few years back, if you mix all colours you’ll get white paint.  In real life however, all you really get is a big mush of brown crap.  So, either the rules of physics are wrong and the real spectrum is based on shitty brown puke, or my Art teacher was a lying jerk.

Ok back to Jelly beans.  If I eat every flavor of jelly bean (yes including cinnamon.  I have no idea why they make them either), will they just cancel each other out and taste like nothing at all and be see-through?  I’m guessing that, like paint (and light), they’ll taste like crap and look the same (yes, all colours of paint mixed together do indeed taste like crap, which proves my point).  I might just try it anyway though.


I’m anti-Semantic. Deal with it..

11 11 2008

I get bored by the endless study of meaning.  I see it in endless blog posts, over an over, people writing about why things happen and the reasons for their existance.  Why won’t they shut up and find something real to write about?  I’m sick of these people and got pushed over the edge recently, so I told my friend I’m anti-semantic and now he hates me. Ariel should be more accepting.. Oy!

The great thing about the internet is that people will read this sort of post and misunderstand the meaning, miss the joke or just generally make a glaring error, and end up shouting at someone else.  I’m waiting for the first email calling me a racist and I’m looking forward to happily pointing out that I said anti-SEMANTIC.  Work it out for yourself.

Yes I do really have a friend called Ariel.  He is awesome.  I like his beard.


My lucky doggy just had his temperature taken…

11 11 2008

I’ve just got back from spending a small fortune at the vets, or what is now going to be called the doggy brothel.  Poor little guy has been suffering over the last few days with a high temperature and a tendancy to re-eat the same meal multiple times (not a nice habit when you think about it).  So being a good owner, I stopped mocking him long enough to drive him to the vets.

However, rather than whimpering as some old dude vet jabs him with needles, he ended up having a pretty good time.  Ok, when I say pretty good time, I mean he virtually got laid by a smoking hot babe.  Now, I don’t think dogs are attracted to humans (although a few websites would beg to differ), so it’s probably not the fact that our vet is a SMOKING hot babe that got him going.  Whatever the reason, the little doggie decided that during his exam he would get a raging erection and start panting all over the said hot vet.  He couldn’t believe his luck when she decided to take his temperature, and I swear his eyes were asking for a wrap around when she was doing her stuff..  Still for £50 you’d kind of expect it..

The crux of the story is that I paid £50 for my dog to get a good seeing to, and he loved it.  The vets is now called the doggy brothel, and is the only place you can get a hot brunette to do the dirty for £50 this side of London.  I was thinking of asking the vet for the same treatment, but then realised I’m an adult and would get locked up for those sort of comments.

Here’s a picture of what our vet looks like (ok, similar to what she looks like…)